Heartache

Dear Liam,
It's been nearly three years since I last wrote here. My heart still aches and I still think of you constantly. Your baby sister was born the day before your first birthday. I guess God knew I needed her to get through that day. She looks like a perfect mix between you and your brother. I often wonder how different life would be if all four of my children were here, instead of just the two. I wonder, would you have been a patient big brother, or would Belle have driven you crazy? I wish I knew. All I have are guesses. Yesterday, I read a story about a little boy, just a year older than you, that passed away at just a day and a half old. The pain that had sort of dulled roared back through me. I struggled to keep it together after that. Then this morning, I heard a story about a little boy who was hit by a car and died. His death brought a man to God, and I often testify that you brought me back to Him. That story was hard to listen to, and I sobbed my way through it, but I had to. You see, my sweet boy, you saved me. You never should have had to, and if I had ever had the choice, I would've made things right, but losing you caused a change in my heart. Before you, I was so angry and bitter at God. How could He take a child from me, then make it impossible for me to have another? For four years I begged Him for another child. Then, He surprised me with you, just to take you back when I finally got to hold you. I could've gotten angrier, but something in me felt His compassion. He lost His son too. He knew my pain, and He wanted me to let Him heal mine. Slowly, I turned to Him, and of course He soon blessed us with your sister. She has Down Syndrome, but surprisingly, for me anyway, that has been a blessing in its own. She's 2 1/2 now, but still gets cuddles and in some ways, she's still more a baby than a toddler. My arms still ache to hold you, but there's a small comfort that I still get to cuddle your sister. Life after loss is far from easy, but we're figuring it out.

Love always,
Mommy

It Never Gets Easier

Dear Liam,

Its been so long since I've been ale to write. I think of you every single day. The pain hasn't lessened and nothing has gotten any easier. If anything, it's gotten so much harder. Your birthday is less than a month away. I can't believe we've gone almost an entire year without seeing your precious face. I miss you more than ever. Your little sister will be here shortly after your birthday. I'm afraid to meet her, but at the same time I'm so anxious. I know you're watching over her, as well as Ville, Daddy, and I. I feel you around me all the time. I imagine what our lives would be like if you were still here. I wish you could have been here when Daddy and I finally got married. You would have gone with Ville as the little ring bearers. I saw a little boy who was born shortly after you and I couldn't help myself. I broke down in the middle of the store. I constantly wonder what you would look like today? Would you be walking yet? Would you have said your first word? Who would you be today? I wish I knew.

Just Feel

Dear Liam,

It's not often that I allow myself to fully remember. Usually I pull myself back before I remember too many details, but today, the day my anxiety is already high and I'm scared out of my mind, I let myself remember everything. I remember your tiny cry the moment you were born, the only sound you ever made. I remember your little arms flailing, the only movement I ever saw you make. I remember your face, every teeny tiny feature. I remember your dark hair and the way your eyes were scrunched up, the one and only time I saw you alive. I remember seeing them work on you in the NICU. I refused to believe what they were telling me. Miracles happen everyday right? I remember silently begging you to move or cry, anything to prove them wrong. You were going to be alright, I had to believe that. I don't know when I finally began to believe the awful things they were telling me. Maybe it was when your daddy held you and you still didn't move. Or maybe when your grandma held you and for the first time I saw her break apart. Or maybe it was the night they sent me home without you. I count that as the worst night of my life. The night we lost you couldn't be the worst because it is also the day I first saw you and held you, even if you were already gone. That moment though, the one where they told us you weren't going to make it. That was the worst moment of my life. I think if you often, both you and your sister. I miss you more than I can say. My arms still ache to hold you, especially on days like today. The closer it gets to Christmas, the harder everything is. You should have turned 5 months old yesterday. I wonder if you would be crawling by now? I should have been showing you Grandma's musical ornaments. There should be twice as many presents under the tree, and the gorgeous cross that sits there should be in someone else's home. We were supposed to have Baby's 1st Christmas ornaments this year. I shouldn't be scared out of my mind, because if you were here, I wouldn't be having your little brother or sister yet, well not planned anyway. That's where I'm torn. I wish with all my heart and soul that you were here with us, but that would mean we wouldn't have this precious rainbow. I wouldn't trade either of you for the other, I just wish I could have you both. I wish I had all my children here with me. My life would be complete. The hole that only you and your sister can fill will torture me forever. No matter what I do, or how many children I have, my family will never feel complete because you two are not here with us. I love you, and I will spend these holidays wishing you were here with us.

Love, Mommy

Big Brother!

Dear Liam,

It feels like it's been forever since I was last able to write to you. I talk to you every day. I hope you can hear me. I have some wonderful, yet scary news. You're going to be a big brother! Your little sister or brother is due two weeks after your birthday. Oh how I wish you were here to celebrate with us. It seems like things are harder now, even though this is what I wanted. I just can't help but remember that this time last year it was you I was excited about. I'm having a very hard time dealing with the way things are, when there's a vision in my head of how things should have been. You should be here in my arms. I miss you more and more every single day. Some days I just don't see how I'll be able to live the rest of my life without you. It scares me. The days get harder as Christmas gets closer. I long to see you with your presents, to watch Ville helping you open them. I wish with all my heart that this vision could be real. Sometimes I just can't resist the urge to hold you. I probably look completely insane, sitting on the floor with your urn cradled in my arms. I don't care, it's all I have to hold. My heart aches, my arms still ache to hold you, and it seems that there is no relief from this pain. I suppose the pain is a permanent part of being a mommy to an angel. There's no way for us to feel any better when the children we so desperately wish were in our arms, are in Heaven. I take comfort that you are with my mom, your sister, and Jesus. It also comforts me to know that you are all watching over me, daddy, Ville, and now our little Jellybean. All that comfort does nothing to quell the ache and longing for you to be here. I miss you, and I love you more than words can say.

Love, Mommy

Me Now

Dear Liam,

I'm so sorry I haven't written. Life has been dragging me around and keeping me pinned by my emotions. I left off on the challenge I was doing. Day 7 was where I am now. Truth is, I'm lost. I miss you so much, and I miss your sister too. It seems like everything reminds me of you. I know you watch over me and I know you've seen my struggles lately. I got pretty low for a while there, but I'm trying to pick myself back up. I hope you're taking care of your newest angel friend and letting him/her know just how much they are loved, not only by his/her mommy and daddy, but the rest of us too. I'll take care of your friend's mommy as best I can, make sure they know that. As broken as my heart already is, it still breaks for her. I wish I could just hold you one more time, just long enough to ease this pain, but we both know I'd never be able to let go again. I mean, I almost didn't let go the first time, even though you were already gone. I thought that if I held your body long enough, my love would bring you back. I guess all the love in the world isn't great enough to overcome God's ruling though. I know you've served a great purpose in our lives, mommy and daddy will help other's in your's and your sister's names! But for all the good we will do simply because we knew you, will never be good enough a reason for this pain. Only when I hold you in Heaven will such a high price make sense. I try to remember that God lost his son too, but while he knows my pain, he is much stronger than I am. I am as weak and broken as the day God took you home. I can smile now, but it's not truly of happiness. Only when I'm with you again, will I truly be happy. Until then I'll try to get as close as I can. It won't be for a while, but maybe one day I'll be able to write to you and tell you that I'm happy, even if it is clouded with pain.

Legacy, Memories, And Rituals

Dear Liam,

I haven't been able to write. I hate that life goes on and I have to put you on the back burner for a bit. Honestly, even with everything else, you're all I really think about. Today was hard. I'm not sure why today was harder than some of the others. Nothing special happened, it's not an anniversary, its just a Sunday morning, another day that you are not here. I hate seeing pregnant women and newborns. It's not that I'm angry at them, or even jealous, it just reminds me of everything I'm missing because you are not here. I wrote in the group the other day about how your sister and you left behind a legacy of hope. I hoped for you since before you were even thought of. From the moment that second line turned pink, I had hopes and dreams for you. We named you the day we found out that you were a boy. Did you know that your name means "protector?" You are our guardian angel, our protector. I never wanted this, I wanted you to be here in my arms, but your name fits so perfectly. I guess Daddy chose the perfect name for you. You're our little protector who looks just like him. <3 I remember the night we named you. We'd gone to the sonogram that afternoon and found out you were a boy. I knew the minute the wand passed over that you were a boy. We were stuck on names. Daddy had suggested Liam before, but I felt it was too common. I don't know what changed my mind, but Liam Omar got stuck in my head, and I just loved the sound of it. In that instant, I knew that was your name. I was so excited to tell everyone! A couple days later we took Ville to the park to release a balloon. We sent it to Gammy to tell her she was having another grandson. I never thought you'd meet her so soon. I believe God took her when he did to prepare for you. Maybe he knew I wouldn't be able to accept losing you if you were all alone. I miss your Gammy, and I miss you and Miracle. My all time favorite memory was your birth. Yes, it was scary and yes it all ended so wrong, but your actual birth is my proudest moment. I wasn't scared, I felt strong. I drove myself to Daddy's job, I'll never know how I made it. Then, I managed to hold you in until you could be born safely. If I hadn't been able to, I may have never gotten to hear your cries or see you wiggling. I had you completely naturally. I'd wanted to, but was afraid. Labor had progressed so quickly that I had no choice. When I was finally allowed to, you were born in one big push, no drugs, just me. Well, Daddy and a nurse held my legs, so I guess they kind of helped too. Once you were born, I peered down at your tiny wiggling body. I'll never forget those cries and those tiny movements. I never saw you move again. I'll cherish those memories forever. It wasn't long after that, everything crumbled and my world was crushed. I remember the first time I held you. I don't know for sure if your heart was still beating, but I like to think it was. You looked so peaceful, and in my mind I was willing you to move. I clung to the hope that they were wrong, that love could save you. I wanted to bolt out of that hospital with you in my arms and never look back. They couldn't be right, my baby couldn't have died, I made it passed 12 weeks. I was almost full term. I know babies can die that late, but I never thought my baby would. You were our miracle baby, how could God be so cruel when we had waited so long? I still wonder why sometimes, but I've given up on ever getting an answer. Even if God himself has a reason, I'll never be able to accept that it was good enough to lose you. I remember the next day when NILMDTS cae and did pictures. I cherish those pictures. I'm not sure who, but someone left a teddy bear on the bed. I sleep with it every night. Daddy and I call him "Liam bear," because he was your bear. I swear, it smells like you sometimes. Ville sleeps with the frog I bought for you the week before you were born. He's "Liam frog." Sometimes, I go back and look at Ville's family book that he had to draw and illustrate last year. Even though you weren't actually born yet, he included you. It's my favorite picture, the only one with you, me Daddy, and Ville. I don't even have any pictures of your sister. They refused to give me an ultrasound. Daddy's going to light the candles with me on October 15th this year. I've done it every year since I lost your sister, but this will be the first year he does it too. I hope you watch for ours to light up, just know they'll be late. I'll have to light them at 10 because of work. I know you'll see them though. I miss you, and I love you.

Love, Mommy

Myths

Dear Liam,

I read something yesterday and it really made me wonder... Why don't people speak your name? Are they afraid of hurting me? Are they worried that hearing your name or speaking of you will make me cry? I've come far enough that I don't cry every time I think of you. That doesn't mean I miss you any less, and when I do cry, it's because all of that missing you has built up and overflowed. It's ok for me to cy, even in front of others because I miss you. Don't they realize that I'll miss you forever? That my life will never be the same? Don't they realize that I'll never "get over" losing my children? I guess they don't really think about it. I guess that's also why people tend to forget that I have three children. I know a lot of people don't even know that I was pregnant with your sister, but I've told lots of them, and they certainly know about you! So why do they still say I have only one child? My mother died earlier this year, is she not still my mother? Just because someone has died doesn't mean they never existed. I have been pregnant three times. I may have only given birth twice and I may only have one child to hold in my arms, but I have still carried three children. When I reach Heaven I have two beautiful children waiting for me, along with my mother. They tell me that losing you was God's will. I never believed that. I believe He knew and I believe that it was always destined to be a part of life's journey, but God would never want a parent to lose their child. Why would He, who knows that pain himself, wish it upon any of his followers? I believe you had a purpose and that your purpose has been fulfilled, and if anything was God's will, it was that you would never suffer. You never knew anything but love your entire earthly life and that is all you will ever know in Heaven as well. You will never know sorrow, you will never know pain, and you will never know anything but pure love and happiness. You may see my pain and sorrow, but I know that you do not feel it. You might miss me, but while my missing you is a deep sorrow for how long I must wait to hold you, yours is a excitement for when that time will come. I wish more people understood all of this. I'm so very grateful that they don't have the experience that leads to this understanding, but I wish I could just make them understand without them having to go through that pain. I love you, and I miss you forever.

Love, Mommy

Identity

Dear Liam,

Today's topic is identity. Who are you? You were born at 8:16 pm on July 20th, 2013 at 36 weeks and 3 days gestation. You weighed 5lbs 12oz and were 19 1/4 in long. I heard your small cry and saw how tiny you were. You looked just like your daddy and were very stubborn, just like him. Daddy chose your name because of Liam Neeson and your middle name is daddy's middle name. We knew you were strong and would be such a little fighter, and fight you did. A lot of the people I see every day pretend you never existed because they don't want to see me hurt. I wish they knew that it hurts so much more that they don't acknowledge you. You are my son. You are our third child and our second son. You are Miracle and Ville's little brother. Someday, you may be somebody's bug brother too. You are our little prince, my moon, and the little piece of Heaven that we carry in our hearts. You are our guiding light. I miss you more than words can express, but I so look forward to the day I see you in Heaven. Who are you? You are Liam Omar Rodriguez, mommy and daddy's little angel. <3