Just Feel

Dear Liam,

It's not often that I allow myself to fully remember. Usually I pull myself back before I remember too many details, but today, the day my anxiety is already high and I'm scared out of my mind, I let myself remember everything. I remember your tiny cry the moment you were born, the only sound you ever made. I remember your little arms flailing, the only movement I ever saw you make. I remember your face, every teeny tiny feature. I remember your dark hair and the way your eyes were scrunched up, the one and only time I saw you alive. I remember seeing them work on you in the NICU. I refused to believe what they were telling me. Miracles happen everyday right? I remember silently begging you to move or cry, anything to prove them wrong. You were going to be alright, I had to believe that. I don't know when I finally began to believe the awful things they were telling me. Maybe it was when your daddy held you and you still didn't move. Or maybe when your grandma held you and for the first time I saw her break apart. Or maybe it was the night they sent me home without you. I count that as the worst night of my life. The night we lost you couldn't be the worst because it is also the day I first saw you and held you, even if you were already gone. That moment though, the one where they told us you weren't going to make it. That was the worst moment of my life. I think if you often, both you and your sister. I miss you more than I can say. My arms still ache to hold you, especially on days like today. The closer it gets to Christmas, the harder everything is. You should have turned 5 months old yesterday. I wonder if you would be crawling by now? I should have been showing you Grandma's musical ornaments. There should be twice as many presents under the tree, and the gorgeous cross that sits there should be in someone else's home. We were supposed to have Baby's 1st Christmas ornaments this year. I shouldn't be scared out of my mind, because if you were here, I wouldn't be having your little brother or sister yet, well not planned anyway. That's where I'm torn. I wish with all my heart and soul that you were here with us, but that would mean we wouldn't have this precious rainbow. I wouldn't trade either of you for the other, I just wish I could have you both. I wish I had all my children here with me. My life would be complete. The hole that only you and your sister can fill will torture me forever. No matter what I do, or how many children I have, my family will never feel complete because you two are not here with us. I love you, and I will spend these holidays wishing you were here with us.

Love, Mommy

Big Brother!

Dear Liam,

It feels like it's been forever since I was last able to write to you. I talk to you every day. I hope you can hear me. I have some wonderful, yet scary news. You're going to be a big brother! Your little sister or brother is due two weeks after your birthday. Oh how I wish you were here to celebrate with us. It seems like things are harder now, even though this is what I wanted. I just can't help but remember that this time last year it was you I was excited about. I'm having a very hard time dealing with the way things are, when there's a vision in my head of how things should have been. You should be here in my arms. I miss you more and more every single day. Some days I just don't see how I'll be able to live the rest of my life without you. It scares me. The days get harder as Christmas gets closer. I long to see you with your presents, to watch Ville helping you open them. I wish with all my heart that this vision could be real. Sometimes I just can't resist the urge to hold you. I probably look completely insane, sitting on the floor with your urn cradled in my arms. I don't care, it's all I have to hold. My heart aches, my arms still ache to hold you, and it seems that there is no relief from this pain. I suppose the pain is a permanent part of being a mommy to an angel. There's no way for us to feel any better when the children we so desperately wish were in our arms, are in Heaven. I take comfort that you are with my mom, your sister, and Jesus. It also comforts me to know that you are all watching over me, daddy, Ville, and now our little Jellybean. All that comfort does nothing to quell the ache and longing for you to be here. I miss you, and I love you more than words can say.

Love, Mommy