Big Brother!

Dear Liam,

It feels like it's been forever since I was last able to write to you. I talk to you every day. I hope you can hear me. I have some wonderful, yet scary news. You're going to be a big brother! Your little sister or brother is due two weeks after your birthday. Oh how I wish you were here to celebrate with us. It seems like things are harder now, even though this is what I wanted. I just can't help but remember that this time last year it was you I was excited about. I'm having a very hard time dealing with the way things are, when there's a vision in my head of how things should have been. You should be here in my arms. I miss you more and more every single day. Some days I just don't see how I'll be able to live the rest of my life without you. It scares me. The days get harder as Christmas gets closer. I long to see you with your presents, to watch Ville helping you open them. I wish with all my heart that this vision could be real. Sometimes I just can't resist the urge to hold you. I probably look completely insane, sitting on the floor with your urn cradled in my arms. I don't care, it's all I have to hold. My heart aches, my arms still ache to hold you, and it seems that there is no relief from this pain. I suppose the pain is a permanent part of being a mommy to an angel. There's no way for us to feel any better when the children we so desperately wish were in our arms, are in Heaven. I take comfort that you are with my mom, your sister, and Jesus. It also comforts me to know that you are all watching over me, daddy, Ville, and now our little Jellybean. All that comfort does nothing to quell the ache and longing for you to be here. I miss you, and I love you more than words can say.

Love, Mommy