Dear Liam,
The last few weeks have been so hard. Everything just reminds me of you, and that you're not here with us. I miss you so much. Yesterday was Halloween. All month, I've been dodging the little Halloween outfits that I would have bought for you. I spent the time I took your brother out to Halloween festivals doing my best to avoid other babies. It hit hard when I saw them. Most of the time I'm able to just take a breath and keep going, holding it in until I'm alone, but a couple days ago I just couldn't. See, this lady came to my store who was pregnant at the same time I was. I didn't know she had a boy until I saw her walking with him that day. He was holding his head up and looking around. I broke, and hid in the storage room until she was gone. Then I fled to the bathroom to cry. I've been ok with the baby girls, maybe because they're girls or maybe because they're a few months older than you, but I just couldn't handle seeing that little boy. I've been so upset ever since. I wish you were here more than anything else in the world. This isn't how things were supposed to be. You were supposed to be here and everything was supposed to be getting better. We were all supposed to be happy. It's not fair. I really don't know how to deal with this. My arms ache all the time. My heart feels like it's been shattered beyond repair. I feel empty. We've been talking about another baby, and I feel so guilty about the thought. I feel like giving you a baby brother or sister would help me heal, but at the same time, I know nothing will ever make this pain go away. No matter what happens, that emptiness will always be there because you are not here. It's so hard, but we're making it. We got through Halloween, somehow. This month we have to make it through Gammy's first birthday since she's gone, Thanksgiving, my birthday, and the day you were conceived. This month is going to be so much harder than last and December will be just as bad. I made it through the first of many, but just barely. How a I going to make it through the rest? I guess I just have to remind myself that every day I get through is a day closer to seeing you again. I love you and I miss you forever and always. <3
Love, Mommy
