Going On Five Years

Dear Liam,
Life has changed a lot since I last wrote. Belle has gotten so much bigger. She'll be 4 in just a few months. You'd think it would get easier, living each day without you, but every milestone she reaches just reminds me that you never will. It only seems to get more and more difficult. Today has been the hardest in a while. You see, my mom died just 4 months before you. Today is the fifth anniversary. I'm having a hard time coping and I just wish so much that you were both here. I love you so much and I miss you more every day.

Love, Mommy.

Heartache

Dear Liam,
It's been nearly three years since I last wrote here. My heart still aches and I still think of you constantly. Your baby sister was born the day before your first birthday. I guess God knew I needed her to get through that day. She looks like a perfect mix between you and your brother. I often wonder how different life would be if all four of my children were here, instead of just the two. I wonder, would you have been a patient big brother, or would Belle have driven you crazy? I wish I knew. All I have are guesses. Yesterday, I read a story about a little boy, just a year older than you, that passed away at just a day and a half old. The pain that had sort of dulled roared back through me. I struggled to keep it together after that. Then this morning, I heard a story about a little boy who was hit by a car and died. His death brought a man to God, and I often testify that you brought me back to Him. That story was hard to listen to, and I sobbed my way through it, but I had to. You see, my sweet boy, you saved me. You never should have had to, and if I had ever had the choice, I would've made things right, but losing you caused a change in my heart. Before you, I was so angry and bitter at God. How could He take a child from me, then make it impossible for me to have another? For four years I begged Him for another child. Then, He surprised me with you, just to take you back when I finally got to hold you. I could've gotten angrier, but something in me felt His compassion. He lost His son too. He knew my pain, and He wanted me to let Him heal mine. Slowly, I turned to Him, and of course He soon blessed us with your sister. She has Down Syndrome, but surprisingly, for me anyway, that has been a blessing in its own. She's 2 1/2 now, but still gets cuddles and in some ways, she's still more a baby than a toddler. My arms still ache to hold you, but there's a small comfort that I still get to cuddle your sister. Life after loss is far from easy, but we're figuring it out.

Love always,
Mommy

It Never Gets Easier

Dear Liam,

Its been so long since I've been ale to write. I think of you every single day. The pain hasn't lessened and nothing has gotten any easier. If anything, it's gotten so much harder. Your birthday is less than a month away. I can't believe we've gone almost an entire year without seeing your precious face. I miss you more than ever. Your little sister will be here shortly after your birthday. I'm afraid to meet her, but at the same time I'm so anxious. I know you're watching over her, as well as Ville, Daddy, and I. I feel you around me all the time. I imagine what our lives would be like if you were still here. I wish you could have been here when Daddy and I finally got married. You would have gone with Ville as the little ring bearers. I saw a little boy who was born shortly after you and I couldn't help myself. I broke down in the middle of the store. I constantly wonder what you would look like today? Would you be walking yet? Would you have said your first word? Who would you be today? I wish I knew.

Just Feel

Dear Liam,

It's not often that I allow myself to fully remember. Usually I pull myself back before I remember too many details, but today, the day my anxiety is already high and I'm scared out of my mind, I let myself remember everything. I remember your tiny cry the moment you were born, the only sound you ever made. I remember your little arms flailing, the only movement I ever saw you make. I remember your face, every teeny tiny feature. I remember your dark hair and the way your eyes were scrunched up, the one and only time I saw you alive. I remember seeing them work on you in the NICU. I refused to believe what they were telling me. Miracles happen everyday right? I remember silently begging you to move or cry, anything to prove them wrong. You were going to be alright, I had to believe that. I don't know when I finally began to believe the awful things they were telling me. Maybe it was when your daddy held you and you still didn't move. Or maybe when your grandma held you and for the first time I saw her break apart. Or maybe it was the night they sent me home without you. I count that as the worst night of my life. The night we lost you couldn't be the worst because it is also the day I first saw you and held you, even if you were already gone. That moment though, the one where they told us you weren't going to make it. That was the worst moment of my life. I think if you often, both you and your sister. I miss you more than I can say. My arms still ache to hold you, especially on days like today. The closer it gets to Christmas, the harder everything is. You should have turned 5 months old yesterday. I wonder if you would be crawling by now? I should have been showing you Grandma's musical ornaments. There should be twice as many presents under the tree, and the gorgeous cross that sits there should be in someone else's home. We were supposed to have Baby's 1st Christmas ornaments this year. I shouldn't be scared out of my mind, because if you were here, I wouldn't be having your little brother or sister yet, well not planned anyway. That's where I'm torn. I wish with all my heart and soul that you were here with us, but that would mean we wouldn't have this precious rainbow. I wouldn't trade either of you for the other, I just wish I could have you both. I wish I had all my children here with me. My life would be complete. The hole that only you and your sister can fill will torture me forever. No matter what I do, or how many children I have, my family will never feel complete because you two are not here with us. I love you, and I will spend these holidays wishing you were here with us.

Love, Mommy

Big Brother!

Dear Liam,

It feels like it's been forever since I was last able to write to you. I talk to you every day. I hope you can hear me. I have some wonderful, yet scary news. You're going to be a big brother! Your little sister or brother is due two weeks after your birthday. Oh how I wish you were here to celebrate with us. It seems like things are harder now, even though this is what I wanted. I just can't help but remember that this time last year it was you I was excited about. I'm having a very hard time dealing with the way things are, when there's a vision in my head of how things should have been. You should be here in my arms. I miss you more and more every single day. Some days I just don't see how I'll be able to live the rest of my life without you. It scares me. The days get harder as Christmas gets closer. I long to see you with your presents, to watch Ville helping you open them. I wish with all my heart that this vision could be real. Sometimes I just can't resist the urge to hold you. I probably look completely insane, sitting on the floor with your urn cradled in my arms. I don't care, it's all I have to hold. My heart aches, my arms still ache to hold you, and it seems that there is no relief from this pain. I suppose the pain is a permanent part of being a mommy to an angel. There's no way for us to feel any better when the children we so desperately wish were in our arms, are in Heaven. I take comfort that you are with my mom, your sister, and Jesus. It also comforts me to know that you are all watching over me, daddy, Ville, and now our little Jellybean. All that comfort does nothing to quell the ache and longing for you to be here. I miss you, and I love you more than words can say.

Love, Mommy

Halloween

Dear Liam,

The last few weeks have been so hard. Everything just reminds me of you, and that you're not here with us. I miss you so much. Yesterday was Halloween. All month, I've been dodging the little Halloween outfits that I would have bought for you. I spent the time I took your brother out to Halloween festivals doing my best to avoid other babies. It hit hard when I saw them. Most of the time I'm able to just take a breath and keep going, holding it in until I'm alone, but a couple days ago I just couldn't. See, this lady came to my store who was pregnant at the same time I was. I didn't know she had a boy until I saw her walking with him that day. He was holding his head up and looking around. I broke, and hid in the storage room until she was gone. Then I fled to the bathroom to cry. I've been ok with the baby girls, maybe because they're girls or maybe because they're a few months older than you, but I just couldn't handle seeing that little boy. I've been so upset ever since. I wish you were here more than anything else in the world. This isn't how things were supposed to be. You were supposed to be here and everything was supposed to be getting better. We were all supposed to be happy. It's not fair. I really don't know how to deal with this. My arms ache all the time. My heart feels like it's been shattered beyond repair. I feel empty. We've been talking about another baby, and I feel so guilty about the thought. I feel like giving you a baby brother or sister would help me heal, but at the same time, I know nothing will ever make this pain go away. No matter what happens, that emptiness will always be there because you are not here. It's so hard, but we're making it. We got through Halloween, somehow. This month we have to make it through Gammy's first birthday since she's gone, Thanksgiving, my birthday, and the day you were conceived. This month is going to be so much harder than last and December will be just as bad. I made it through the first of many, but just barely. How a I going to make it through the rest? I guess I just have to remind myself that every day I get through is a day closer to seeing you again. I love you and I miss you forever and always. <3

Love, Mommy

Me Now

Dear Liam,

I'm so sorry I haven't written. Life has been dragging me around and keeping me pinned by my emotions. I left off on the challenge I was doing. Day 7 was where I am now. Truth is, I'm lost. I miss you so much, and I miss your sister too. It seems like everything reminds me of you. I know you watch over me and I know you've seen my struggles lately. I got pretty low for a while there, but I'm trying to pick myself back up. I hope you're taking care of your newest angel friend and letting him/her know just how much they are loved, not only by his/her mommy and daddy, but the rest of us too. I'll take care of your friend's mommy as best I can, make sure they know that. As broken as my heart already is, it still breaks for her. I wish I could just hold you one more time, just long enough to ease this pain, but we both know I'd never be able to let go again. I mean, I almost didn't let go the first time, even though you were already gone. I thought that if I held your body long enough, my love would bring you back. I guess all the love in the world isn't great enough to overcome God's ruling though. I know you've served a great purpose in our lives, mommy and daddy will help other's in your's and your sister's names! But for all the good we will do simply because we knew you, will never be good enough a reason for this pain. Only when I hold you in Heaven will such a high price make sense. I try to remember that God lost his son too, but while he knows my pain, he is much stronger than I am. I am as weak and broken as the day God took you home. I can smile now, but it's not truly of happiness. Only when I'm with you again, will I truly be happy. Until then I'll try to get as close as I can. It won't be for a while, but maybe one day I'll be able to write to you and tell you that I'm happy, even if it is clouded with pain.