Just Feel

Dear Liam,

It's not often that I allow myself to fully remember. Usually I pull myself back before I remember too many details, but today, the day my anxiety is already high and I'm scared out of my mind, I let myself remember everything. I remember your tiny cry the moment you were born, the only sound you ever made. I remember your little arms flailing, the only movement I ever saw you make. I remember your face, every teeny tiny feature. I remember your dark hair and the way your eyes were scrunched up, the one and only time I saw you alive. I remember seeing them work on you in the NICU. I refused to believe what they were telling me. Miracles happen everyday right? I remember silently begging you to move or cry, anything to prove them wrong. You were going to be alright, I had to believe that. I don't know when I finally began to believe the awful things they were telling me. Maybe it was when your daddy held you and you still didn't move. Or maybe when your grandma held you and for the first time I saw her break apart. Or maybe it was the night they sent me home without you. I count that as the worst night of my life. The night we lost you couldn't be the worst because it is also the day I first saw you and held you, even if you were already gone. That moment though, the one where they told us you weren't going to make it. That was the worst moment of my life. I think if you often, both you and your sister. I miss you more than I can say. My arms still ache to hold you, especially on days like today. The closer it gets to Christmas, the harder everything is. You should have turned 5 months old yesterday. I wonder if you would be crawling by now? I should have been showing you Grandma's musical ornaments. There should be twice as many presents under the tree, and the gorgeous cross that sits there should be in someone else's home. We were supposed to have Baby's 1st Christmas ornaments this year. I shouldn't be scared out of my mind, because if you were here, I wouldn't be having your little brother or sister yet, well not planned anyway. That's where I'm torn. I wish with all my heart and soul that you were here with us, but that would mean we wouldn't have this precious rainbow. I wouldn't trade either of you for the other, I just wish I could have you both. I wish I had all my children here with me. My life would be complete. The hole that only you and your sister can fill will torture me forever. No matter what I do, or how many children I have, my family will never feel complete because you two are not here with us. I love you, and I will spend these holidays wishing you were here with us.

Love, Mommy

Big Brother!

Dear Liam,

It feels like it's been forever since I was last able to write to you. I talk to you every day. I hope you can hear me. I have some wonderful, yet scary news. You're going to be a big brother! Your little sister or brother is due two weeks after your birthday. Oh how I wish you were here to celebrate with us. It seems like things are harder now, even though this is what I wanted. I just can't help but remember that this time last year it was you I was excited about. I'm having a very hard time dealing with the way things are, when there's a vision in my head of how things should have been. You should be here in my arms. I miss you more and more every single day. Some days I just don't see how I'll be able to live the rest of my life without you. It scares me. The days get harder as Christmas gets closer. I long to see you with your presents, to watch Ville helping you open them. I wish with all my heart that this vision could be real. Sometimes I just can't resist the urge to hold you. I probably look completely insane, sitting on the floor with your urn cradled in my arms. I don't care, it's all I have to hold. My heart aches, my arms still ache to hold you, and it seems that there is no relief from this pain. I suppose the pain is a permanent part of being a mommy to an angel. There's no way for us to feel any better when the children we so desperately wish were in our arms, are in Heaven. I take comfort that you are with my mom, your sister, and Jesus. It also comforts me to know that you are all watching over me, daddy, Ville, and now our little Jellybean. All that comfort does nothing to quell the ache and longing for you to be here. I miss you, and I love you more than words can say.

Love, Mommy

Legacy, Memories, And Rituals

Dear Liam,

I haven't been able to write. I hate that life goes on and I have to put you on the back burner for a bit. Honestly, even with everything else, you're all I really think about. Today was hard. I'm not sure why today was harder than some of the others. Nothing special happened, it's not an anniversary, its just a Sunday morning, another day that you are not here. I hate seeing pregnant women and newborns. It's not that I'm angry at them, or even jealous, it just reminds me of everything I'm missing because you are not here. I wrote in the group the other day about how your sister and you left behind a legacy of hope. I hoped for you since before you were even thought of. From the moment that second line turned pink, I had hopes and dreams for you. We named you the day we found out that you were a boy. Did you know that your name means "protector?" You are our guardian angel, our protector. I never wanted this, I wanted you to be here in my arms, but your name fits so perfectly. I guess Daddy chose the perfect name for you. You're our little protector who looks just like him. <3 I remember the night we named you. We'd gone to the sonogram that afternoon and found out you were a boy. I knew the minute the wand passed over that you were a boy. We were stuck on names. Daddy had suggested Liam before, but I felt it was too common. I don't know what changed my mind, but Liam Omar got stuck in my head, and I just loved the sound of it. In that instant, I knew that was your name. I was so excited to tell everyone! A couple days later we took Ville to the park to release a balloon. We sent it to Gammy to tell her she was having another grandson. I never thought you'd meet her so soon. I believe God took her when he did to prepare for you. Maybe he knew I wouldn't be able to accept losing you if you were all alone. I miss your Gammy, and I miss you and Miracle. My all time favorite memory was your birth. Yes, it was scary and yes it all ended so wrong, but your actual birth is my proudest moment. I wasn't scared, I felt strong. I drove myself to Daddy's job, I'll never know how I made it. Then, I managed to hold you in until you could be born safely. If I hadn't been able to, I may have never gotten to hear your cries or see you wiggling. I had you completely naturally. I'd wanted to, but was afraid. Labor had progressed so quickly that I had no choice. When I was finally allowed to, you were born in one big push, no drugs, just me. Well, Daddy and a nurse held my legs, so I guess they kind of helped too. Once you were born, I peered down at your tiny wiggling body. I'll never forget those cries and those tiny movements. I never saw you move again. I'll cherish those memories forever. It wasn't long after that, everything crumbled and my world was crushed. I remember the first time I held you. I don't know for sure if your heart was still beating, but I like to think it was. You looked so peaceful, and in my mind I was willing you to move. I clung to the hope that they were wrong, that love could save you. I wanted to bolt out of that hospital with you in my arms and never look back. They couldn't be right, my baby couldn't have died, I made it passed 12 weeks. I was almost full term. I know babies can die that late, but I never thought my baby would. You were our miracle baby, how could God be so cruel when we had waited so long? I still wonder why sometimes, but I've given up on ever getting an answer. Even if God himself has a reason, I'll never be able to accept that it was good enough to lose you. I remember the next day when NILMDTS cae and did pictures. I cherish those pictures. I'm not sure who, but someone left a teddy bear on the bed. I sleep with it every night. Daddy and I call him "Liam bear," because he was your bear. I swear, it smells like you sometimes. Ville sleeps with the frog I bought for you the week before you were born. He's "Liam frog." Sometimes, I go back and look at Ville's family book that he had to draw and illustrate last year. Even though you weren't actually born yet, he included you. It's my favorite picture, the only one with you, me Daddy, and Ville. I don't even have any pictures of your sister. They refused to give me an ultrasound. Daddy's going to light the candles with me on October 15th this year. I've done it every year since I lost your sister, but this will be the first year he does it too. I hope you watch for ours to light up, just know they'll be late. I'll have to light them at 10 because of work. I know you'll see them though. I miss you, and I love you.

Love, Mommy