Heartache

Dear Liam,
It's been nearly three years since I last wrote here. My heart still aches and I still think of you constantly. Your baby sister was born the day before your first birthday. I guess God knew I needed her to get through that day. She looks like a perfect mix between you and your brother. I often wonder how different life would be if all four of my children were here, instead of just the two. I wonder, would you have been a patient big brother, or would Belle have driven you crazy? I wish I knew. All I have are guesses. Yesterday, I read a story about a little boy, just a year older than you, that passed away at just a day and a half old. The pain that had sort of dulled roared back through me. I struggled to keep it together after that. Then this morning, I heard a story about a little boy who was hit by a car and died. His death brought a man to God, and I often testify that you brought me back to Him. That story was hard to listen to, and I sobbed my way through it, but I had to. You see, my sweet boy, you saved me. You never should have had to, and if I had ever had the choice, I would've made things right, but losing you caused a change in my heart. Before you, I was so angry and bitter at God. How could He take a child from me, then make it impossible for me to have another? For four years I begged Him for another child. Then, He surprised me with you, just to take you back when I finally got to hold you. I could've gotten angrier, but something in me felt His compassion. He lost His son too. He knew my pain, and He wanted me to let Him heal mine. Slowly, I turned to Him, and of course He soon blessed us with your sister. She has Down Syndrome, but surprisingly, for me anyway, that has been a blessing in its own. She's 2 1/2 now, but still gets cuddles and in some ways, she's still more a baby than a toddler. My arms still ache to hold you, but there's a small comfort that I still get to cuddle your sister. Life after loss is far from easy, but we're figuring it out.

Love always,
Mommy